APT Friend Finder

Dear neighbors near and far,
in the interest of securing the Internet and the World,

We all know about the Asian Pacific Threat, but do you sometimes feel like everyone is getting APT but you? Do you know in your heart that there's APT all around you, but you just can't find it? Are you sick of your friends bragging about their APT, when you can't seem to get any?

Have I got the deal for you! APT Friend Finder is a tool for finding APT in common utilities such as /bin/ls (違章), /bin/zsh (苧, 岫, 訪), the Linux kernel (哇, 賢). You'll soon find that APT is everywhere, and that you've already got it. Best of all, aptfinder.tar.gz is FREE! Not just free as in speech or beer, but free as in APT!

To use APT Friend Finder, just run the script on a suspect binary file. To display APT characters, you'll need a Unicode terminal such as uxterm or Terminal.app. For example, /bin/ls only has one APT, as shown below.

localhost% ./aptfinder.pl /bin/ls
違章 to break the rules/to violate regulations

APT Friend Finder not only finds the APT for you, but it shows you what the APT means. Clearly the Chinese have infected this copy of /bin/ls to break the rules and violate international hacking regulations.

APT Friend Finder works on both genders, and can even show you the hidden sexist beliefs of APT. This APT is clearly harboring chauvinist thoughts. (Fear not, this particular APT has already received a red card.)

localhost% ./aptfinder.pl /usr/bin/yes
男 male

For more sophisticated APT, you can use APT Friend Finder to automatically generate a properly scary name for malware. For example, this partial listing of the APT in /bin/bash clearly shows that it is infected by Brilliant Pond, a terribly malicious APT that is also known by some experts as Tao Rafter after the confusing statement left by its author, ``全甍倚道焜瀦,'' which means ``Every Rafter Needs the Tao of the Brilliant Pond.'' (Doctor Who fans certainly have their own theories of the meaning of this, but I haven't the space to include them here.)

localhost% ./aptfinder.pl /bin/bash
頒 promulgate/send out/issue/to grant or confer
設 to set up/to arrange/to establish/to found/to display
鼓 convex/drum/to rouse/to beat
聚 form gathering/gather
全 all/whole/entire/every/complete
甍 rafters supporting tiles
稍 somewhat/a little
佐 assist
愍 pity/sympathize
砧 anvil
焜 brilliant
瀦 pool/pond
倦 tired
叱 to scold/shout at/to hoot at
筒 tube/cylinder
怜 to pity
倚 to lean on/rely upon
道 direction/way/method/road/path/principle/truth/reason/skill/method/Tao 
   (of Taoism)/a measure word/to say/to speak/to talk

So neighbor, do your duty to defensive security by downloading aptfinder.tar.gz and find APT in EVERYTHING!

Yours in APT,
Pastor Manul Laphroaig
<pastor at phrack dot org>

@0xabad1dea helped, probably, but won't admit how